Confessions: Ego and Whispers

"I'm so proud of what you guys are doing over there."

My heart sank at his kind words.

"I feel like it has been six years, and we've done nothing. Nothing." I knew I didn't need to explain more. The dear older man reads our newsletters ... and reads between the lines. He asks the hard questions and has more experience with our line of work than most.

"Pshaw! Honey, it is like you are just at the college level of your education there. You've done plenty. You've obeyed."

I teared up. "It doesn't feel like it," I replied, but even as I spoke the words, the Holy Spirit struck my heart with his words.

I saw the facial expressions of those with whom I have shared pieces of the Gospel. I re-heard with my heart their words, the words the Holy Spirit used to prompt me to speak a certain story or truth. I remembered the plans I've changed because I just "knew" God had something else for me to do at that moment. I felt again the weight of the struggle to discern whether or not this or that was the Lord's leading and the free-fall sensation of stepping out on faith, even if it was just to reach out and touch someone.

Obedience, regardless of how unproductive it might seem, is not laziness. 

While at certain times we need to hold ourselves accountable for slothfulness, we need to equally consider the need to search our hearts for egotism.

e·go·tism

noun

the practice of talking and thinking about oneself excessively because of an undue sense of self-importance

How often do I think about my accomplishments or lack thereof in lieu of searching for and celebrating His accomplishments? How often do I regard my own plans and meeting of goals as far more important than listening and obeying His still, small voice?

I want to dive into the practice of talking and thinking about Him excessively because of the knowledge He and His goals and His work are so very important. I want to spend time listening instead of gauging effectiveness with my own cultural yardstick. I want to obey because His plans, His relentless love for the world, has already and will continue to have prolific results one holy whisper at a time.

 The Lord has prompted me to speak to or spend time with this precious woman on so many occasions, and what a joy it has been!