Saturday, November 21, 2009

Why Am I Not Like Her?

Today I drug myself through each activity: dip bath with water warmed over the stovetop (it's cold these days!), fed this child, changed that diaper...It really was just a normal day. I am battling an infection and am now on antibiotics, so I took sometime tonight and let Maggie (also infected) to watch Dora. While she was watching, I got on Facebook and then a friend's blog. She talked about the garden they had planted, the farmer's market baskets she'd received and how she was going to cook the produce, the books they are reading. I looked around my semi-messy, unorganized since the last time we rearranged (in order to get more organized =) )house and at my girls who were about to go to bed without a bath because I was just too tired to do it. I thought about the precious little I have done these past weeks, and it hit me: Who am I? I'm certainly not who I planned or hoped to be. I am not like my blogging friend.

I am not, by nature (or maybe environment)energetic. I am not in any way skilled at homemaking, and, although I try, child-rearing comes neither naturally nor easily. I struggle to be healthy and often fail. I struggle to look nice, but often lack the desire or energy to be more than just clean. I have so many dreams - even just small ones like organizing the book shelf in our bedroom/office - that have been and probably will be left undone for quite a while.

I think, at the ripe old age of 25, I am going through a bit of a mid-life crisis. A steady "career" with no end in sight, a nearly 5-year-old marriage, a body shaped by 2.5 kiddos - it has to be a mid-life crisis... Or maybe it's just life...

Tomorrow's another day, right? I'll get up again, try again, win some and lose some. The Khmer word is "Toe-madah." Well, I am toe-madah. I guess that is an ok place to be from time to time. I just hope the time for the energetic, go-getting, happily busy Casey is not too far away.

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