Monday, January 20, 2014

Part One - Early Signs

I have never wanted anything more than for Christopher Allison to choose me for his bride, and I was shameless in my attempts to get his attention. Thankfully, he chose me anyway, and we began a wonderful period of engagement that was oh-so-much-better than dating.

Then came all the advice and questions which I soaked up like a sponge, not really processing what was said, just accepting the routine wisdom given to those who are about to wed. The one line we heard over and over remains standard evangelical Christian advice given out of love: Get on birth control right away. I took said advice, swallowed it whole, and went to my Christian doctor.

He gave me a Mirena implant*...

A few weeks of cramping, bleeding, and feeling out of control emotionally, I had it removed. I then got on the Pill.

Our wedding loomed in the very near future as I found myself unable to concentrate at work, crying often, and gaining weight. One evening, I truly could not stop crying yet had no idea why I was crying. I cried for two solid hours before it abated. Surely, having no doubt I was marrying the man God had made just for me, this was not cold feet!

Chris was nineteen, and I had turned 21 a week before our wedding. Chris and I had planned to wait about 5 years to have children. But God had other plans. Having such a wonderful man for a husband filled me with an overwhelming desire to bring his children into the world. We needed more Chris Allisons around! After just a few months, I got off the Pill. Two months later, we miscarried our first child. We were heartbroken.

Even still, I felt oddly grounded, able to truly connect with God, and joyful with life in the midst of this trial. What had changed? I wasn't sure, but it was so good to feel like me again. 

One month later found us staring at a positive pregnancy test. Being pregnant with our sweet Maggie was delightful, and I experienced nothing but pleasant excitement and health. After she was born, I had never felt better. Then, my doctor told me to get on the Progesterone only pill.

Two weeks later, I was 15 lbs heavier (I had actually lost all my pregnancy weight!) and struggling to gain control of my emotions every day.

I had no idea I would never again have the joy of a pleasant pregnancy.

Stay tuned for Part 2! See the Introduction here.

* I cannot, in good conscience, recommend Mirena, the Pill, or any other form of hormonal birth control. I urge you to read the fine print on such birth control packages (especially about how it can prevent a fertilized egg from implanting) as well reconsider modern beliefs about birth control and children. For more information, please feel free to write me!

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